Shoot me...

I've been watching Celebrity Big Brother; not because it's mindless entertainment or because I think it's an important comment on our neo-post modern society or because I secretly want to track down Stephanie Beecham and keep her in a posh cellar; it is because it affords me the fing(s) I crave most; sneering and high pitched, squealy laughs of disbelief.

Now I know that writing about Big Brother isn't new and exciting and cutting edge but neither is my life, so like, why should my writing reflect anything but my repetitive, generic, onanist's pit of an existence? Look at me, giddily finking of and subsequently typing about masturbation. That's because I've looked into the corner of my monitor and seen that it's only 12 minutes til my next jerking sesh, where I spit my liquid all over the bastardised ugly duckling that is Celebrity Big Brother.

First off, Davina's still about then? For a minute I thought she'd become like Andie MacDowell; no longer synonymous with her actual vocation (for Davina, presenting reality based quasi-game shows and hyperactive compassion, for MacDowell, erm, them two good films she did in the nineties...actually I hate Four, Weddings...) and rather more like a kind of scarecrow representation of a horrible cosmetic company and it's incessant need to make every one more "beeeudiful".

I digress. Here's my utterly true prophecy about what will happen, who will win and why. Obviously knowing Big Brother's producers (which I don't by name, but do figuratively) who work hard not to disappear up the arseholes of their own contrivance whenever they all sit around the same table, they are probably plotting some twist that involves bringing Osama Bin Laden into the house and excitedly announcing his arrival like something off Surprise, Surprise; in which case they'll have to admit that, bizarrely, he'll be the only participant ever on Celebrity Big Brother with an immeasurable amount of fame. You heard it here first...

1. The winner...

Based on their status in the house, this is being battled out by Vinnie and Sisqo. Neither have shown a great desire to upset people unnecessarily and they're both respected by almost everyone for having talent; Vinnie made it clear early on how much he has achieved, looking almost like a man trying to goad a priest into a bare knuckle boxing match when outlining exactly how many films he'd done since his 'big break' in Lock, Stock...(is it 50 or 55? Count them yourself, here) Whereas Sisqo has proved on more than one occasion that he still has a good voice by, well, singing. Vinnie has the kind of power over people that would drive an egotistical idiot to tyranny, yet he manfully takes it in his stride and only slightly errs on threatening when someone probably faaakin' deserves it. Sisqo is a pint sized empathiser who I think is coming across very well as a delightful entertainer, an honest spokesman and a compassionate soul. But you've probably been watching his arse.

2. The loser-winner(s): housemates that'll come out looking good...

Strangely this is quite a well inhabited category; by that I mean that including the above, I think at least three people will leave the house much more popular amongst the masses i.e. the ravenous, Heat reading, bile farming crazies who in crude autonomy seem to demand this fing 'celebrity' on a nanosecondary basis.

Stephanie; looks after people when they're properly down in the dumps as opposed to comforting immature housemates that are probably just whingeing about how lentils aren't proper food; has some interesting philosophies ("Katja is a beautiful orchid, she has no roots of her own"); doesn't bang on too much about fame; remains unruffled even in the face of tantrum.

Dane; can be accused of just being too normal, but that's about all. His morals are in the right place; he is suitably self deprecating (as an ex-member of Another Level might well be); he has a sense of humour, but not a stupid one; seems simply too worn down by the low blows of fame to put on an act.

Nikki T; can claim to be the most diverting housemate I think Big Brother has ever had. Who would have thought for one second that I could have been sat here typing anything admirable about her? Let's get the shit out of the way first...she does ask stupid questions and I do think there are more interesting characters in the house and she did get on my tits when she joined forces with 'Sov' to strong arm Katja into an almost forced adolescent encounter with Basshunter...but the way she clarified her part in the 'nomination discussions scandal' and subsequently exposed Stephen to be a lying, bullying evangelist prick deserves insurmountable credit and in general she has conducted herself well without a) getting her tits out (which is meant to be her speciality) b) fondling some other housemate (I'm sure Heidi would jump at the chance) or c) resorting to racist / vindictive bullying to try and show 'a stronger side'.

3. The loser(s): housemates that will leave to hearty booing...

This is obvious isn't it? You don't even have to watch it. Just look in any newspaper at a photograph of Alex Reid, Heidi Fleiss (not so much the 'beating heart of the house' as the 'throbbing clitoris') or Stephen Baldwin and it evokes the following respective reactions; cross dressing neanderthal wrapped up in the fact that he cares much more than anyone else about his own inexplicable notoriety; extra from prisoner cell block H that has had all joy for life and compassion for others rooted out of her via her anus and left looking like Vincent D'Onofrio playing that alien in Men In Black who can't find a human body that fits him; failed actor with nothing to do but turn to an oppressive cul-de-sac of a perspective on faith, belief and positivity, yet feels no guilt or remorse at lying to people's faces about things he did or did not say. And really, is there an argument that oxygen does or does not exist? Next minute they'll be discussing the value of gravity, with Stephen swearing on his big book that it's God's little paperweights that keep us all on terra firma. And as for Katja...watching her is like retreading every sexually frustrating / heartbreaking memory from the age of 17 onwards. She blows hot and cold like a dragon eating an ice pop. Yes, Basshunter has been a bit cringe worthy with his improvised ditties (which normally go, "You are very pretty, I am happy to be here / as long as you are interested, if you're not I still want you"), and downright disturbing with some of his actions (if you nuzzle some one's neck and they try to crush your skull with their chin, they're probably not enjoying it), but it's all her doing. In that environment people only have to make eye contact for a prolonged period and they tend to feel obliged to act on it. Since writing this you've probably seen Ivana Trump convince Alex that older women with silicon mouths 'give better head', Stephen decapitate someone with his eery stare and Sov roll her eyes millions of times...you just wait til they put Osama in.